I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
