The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
