my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
