dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
