nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
