Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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