Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
