You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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