my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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