i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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