I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
