the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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