yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
