the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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