32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
