I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
