I'd wear matching sweaters with you
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
