its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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