neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
