a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize