I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
