please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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