the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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