Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
