nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
