Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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