So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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