how can u be prego again
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
