I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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