New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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