I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
