Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
