she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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