hell yes lets make some ravioli
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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