totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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