So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
