College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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