I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
