You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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