There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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