Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
