M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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