I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
