So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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