I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
