oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
