he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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