It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
