Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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