I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
