You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
