My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
