I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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